Editor’s note: This story is part of Peak, The Athletic’s desk covering leadership, personal development and performance through the lens of sports. Follow Peak here.
Greg Olsen played in the NFL for 14 years and is a color commentator for Fox. He also founded Youth Inc., a podcast and digital platform centered on youth sports.
My dad was the high school football coach at the local public high school for my entire life. I grew up in locker rooms, on bus trips, in the coach’s office. All I aspired to do was one day grow up and play for my dad on Friday night.
Fortunately, I was able to do that, went on to play in college and eventually made a career out of football in the NFL. But when I became a dad, I realized it was a very different landscape from what I grew up in and what I felt like I understood.
My wife and I were trying to balance what everyone around the country is trying to balance: raising our three kids in a very difficult, very different youth sports landscape.
I thought that I could speak to really interesting people on all sides of this conversation and improve not only my own knowledge but also share what I learned and believed with the public. I thought that if I was struggling with it then I was sure there were a lot of people also struggling.
Every month on The Athletic, I’ll take questions about youth sports or dive into a topic that I think is relevant and interesting (Editor’s note: For this first edition, we asked staff members from The Athletic for questions. Readers can submit questions below).
Is it better for development to play against higher-level competition, even if it means not playing much and/or losing a lot of games? Or is it better to play a lot for a winning team in a setting that’s not as competitive? — Austin Meek
I think this is a question a lot of people have. It’s a really interesting question that has a lot of layers.
The general starting point that I try to apply to my own kids and the parents of the kids we coach is that, in my opinion, your kid should never be the best player on any team, and should never be the worst player on any team.
What I mean by that is there is an advantage developmentally in putting your kid in competitive environments. That might mean he or she is no longer the quarterback or no longer the shortstop, or she’s no longer going to score the most goals. At some point, there is going to be an impact on their production, role and overall success — and I think that’s OK.
On the other side of the equation, there’s the opportunity to put your son or daughter on the best team, where they’re at the bottom of the barrel as far as playing time and opportunity. I also don’t think that’s good for them, because I do think game time is still the best way to get better. And then you have the confidence and mental side, too: Why do I go all week to practice and work so hard if I’m never going to play?
So if you can find a team where your son or daughter is in the middle of the pack, that’s what I’d recommend.
The only caveat I’d add to that on a case-by-case basis is: Who is the coach? I think that scale can be tipped either way based on the coach. If playing time is a little low and the team is very competitive, but all week you’re getting incredible coaching and practice structure, I would stick with it. Coaching can tip the scales.
My youngest daughter is playing travel soccer and recreational basketball this fall because she loves to compete. She’s 10. It’s the first time she’s played two sports at the same time. Her goalie coach told me it would be great if she played basketball to develop her hands and footwork. But is it too much at age 10? — Manny Navarro
I think this is something that a lot of parents feel. The biggest part of the equation is this: She’s 10. My immediate response is to let her try it all. Let her experiment with what sports she likes, what activities, what coaching staffs, what experiences. There are going to be different kids on all those teams. One of those teams might be all of her best friends, and that’s great. And one of the teams might be one where she doesn’t know anyone — that’s also great when you’re 10.
I think there’s so much more to the experience of multiple sports than just the actual skill of the sport. There are social things, there’s leadership, there’s putting yourself out there and taking chances, there’s the growth of learning.
I would say continue to let her try everything, even if it’s at the recreational level is one practice a week and one game on the weekend. That’s plenty. Just let her experience all of this for her overall social development. She has a long time before she needs to figure out which one is perfect for her.
My daughter is 10 and plays basketball and soccer. She is very competitive. I love that about her and want to foster that as much as possible. One area where it gives her trouble is in basketball; when she’s having a rough day at the gym with her shot, she melts down. It’s not pouting. She’s angry at herself for not doing better. How do I help her walk the line in holding herself to a high standard (which is entirely of her own making and not at all mine, I just want her to have fun) and having the determination to improve while also not letting it derail her when things are not going well? — Jon Krawczynski
I’m not a psychologist, but just from a coaching and experience standpoint, I’d say don’t ever take away the competitive spirit of a kid. I think over time, as they mature, they learn to handle these emotions better. She’s 10; these are big emotions. There’s embarrassment and fear and all sorts of different emotions that they’re processing at that age.
I would much rather have a young kid who takes great pride in what they do and holds themselves to a high standard. I would rather coach that than a kid who just doesn’t care at all. I think you can teach a kid to handle those emotions of failure and struggle more healthily and more evenly.
I kind of like the idea that she holds herself to a really high standard and she wants to be great. I actually don’t mind it at 10 years old. Now, when you’re 17 years old, can you be throwing temper tantrums and getting really upset? Of course not. But the idea is that there can be growth there. But I can’t teach a kid to really want to be good.
If this is kid-driven success, over time, those kids typically do pretty well.
Greg, I coach a 5-on-5 co-ed flag football team, ages 11-14. We try to rotate kids in as much as possible, but do you have any practical advice on how best to keep kids engaged who aren’t on the field as much as others? — Craig Custance
There are two parts to this question. There is the practice component and then there is the game-day component.
The hardest thing about structuring a youth sports practice is doing everything in your power to keep as many kids engaged and doing something as humanly possible. When kids stand around and are bored, that’s when it becomes a distraction. They don’t want to play, they want to play a different sport, and you lose them. So the No. 1 thing is: How can you keep practice engaging? If you can recruit another mom or dad, give them a specific drill during practice to do. If you’re working with the receivers, you need someone else to work with the other group on flag pulling, for example. Make sure everyone is always doing something worthwhile — a skill, an activity — something to keep them engaged so they don’t feel like, All the attention is on that group and I’m just sitting over here.
That’s the biggest thing about practice: small groups, no standing around, keep everyone as into it and as active throughout as much of the practice as humanly possible.
Game day is more difficult. Let’s say there are 10 kids and it’s 5-on-5, so half the kids are playing while the other half are standing on the sideline. That’s the biggest challenge for any youth coach. Depending on the level of competitiveness, if the 10 boys and girls are relatively similar, get people in. Give everybody a role. That’s your job as a coach: To make them feel that their role, big or small, is the most important role on the team.
If you’re on the sideline, maybe your job is to be a great teammate and make sure the water bottles are filled and call out different things. Give them something to do, active, on the sideline that makes them feel engaged. And don’t keep them on the sideline too long.
Stimulus and being connected to the team is the hardest job a coach has, especially when the idea of wins and losses creeps in. And no matter how much people say it doesn’t matter, when game day comes, everyone’s immediate reaction is: I’m going to do what I have to do to win.
That is just human nature and it is a challenge for coaches.
What’s the best way for coaches to communicate to parents the realistic goals they should have for their children? Many parents believe their kids will play collegiately or professionally, which isn’t realistic. How should that be communicated to parents? — Jeff Maillet
We’ve all seen this after every sport we’ve ever watched: The coach takes the kids into the corner of the gym or out into left field, and the message to the kids then has to be relayed from the kid to the parent on the car ride home. The kids do their best to interpret it, but you’re not really getting the whole message because they’re kids.
I’ve had the most success doing it after games with all the families involved, so all the parents can hear me. I’m just a big believer that what our message to the kids is — good or bad — needs to be heard in real time, in that moment, as often as possible, by the parents, so there’s no misinterpretation.
We all should hear it at the same time. I want you to know what I’m saying to your kid. I’m not saying anything to your kid that I don’t want you to hear. The families might not like it; I’m not saying you have to tell everyone what they want to hear. You can be very honest, especially as the kids get older. But nothing should be said that you’re unwilling to say in front of parents. They may not always agree and they may not always like it, but I think parents respect it. And that way no one is ever in the dark, and there is never any mystery.
(Illustration: Dan Goldfarb / The Athletic; James Gilbert / Getty Images)